Yo dudes,

Paloma didn’t talk herself out of the apprenticeship, she personalitied herself out of it.  With boardroom scenes reminiscent of “that mental guy from ep.1” I was glad to get rid.  Vicious scapegoating does not an apprentice make my friend.

Less talk, more graphs; I’ve got a Jacuzzi of caviar to slip into….

Good Afternoon,

You might be wondering how someone so infantile and bereft of intelligence such as Melissa Cohen might be allowed to continue on my highly esteemed television programme.  Just under a century ago John Logie Baird quickly discovered that in order to maintain a useable screen resolution on his new invention a significant amount of bullshit must be incorporated into the image.  Hence why Mel is contributing so admirably to the production of the show, and why the BBC pays Clarkson and Ross so much.

OK, I have to go and unblock my sink before that liquid gold solidifies.

Alan S.

xox

Well, with that of my chest we can get on with proceedings.

Yours,

Lord Sugar

Good Morning folks.  Sorry I didn’t get this done earlier but I have spent the last few days burning the contents of one of my houses.  It’s a lot quicker than cleaning so we do it every once in a while and just replace everything with newer stuff.  I thought about putting it on free-cycle, but you know how demanding people are, even if you’re giving them something for nothing.  What makes you think you can make me wait around for an hour, I am giving you something for free you idiot.

The irony of picking ‘Synergy’ over ‘Fusion’, because Fusion was too “clichéd”, was lost on this weeks male team as they gallivanted around like over excited school boys.  Galvanising their manly-hood with high fives and backslapping (subtlety only in-front of customers) the boys continued to “smack it” through out the challenge.  Well Dan can go “smack it” he’s fired.

 Dear Team Leaders,

Lord Sugar here.  Welcome to FA2010, I hope you are all raring to go.  As ever, I’ve picked the most enterprising and resourceful young minds Britain has to offer.  As ever, this is a worryingly insipid and murky puddle of talent to choose from.  However, as you know, it is the great acts of desperation and conniving which make for similarly good business and good viewing.
This afternoon two associates of mine kindly undertook, under my behest, the FA2010 Team Leader Assignment Grand Draw (FTLAGD):

————————–FTLAGD INFORMATION————————–
Grand Draw Master: Luke
Grand Draw Master’s Assistant: Cheryl
Independent Adjudicator: Myself, Lord Sugar

For the FTLAGD results please see the Team Page.

———————————————————————————-

Sorry, I’ve got to go now: I just realised my bathtub is overflowing again.  Not normally a problem, but I hired Steven Spielberg to pour it and I need to go tell him off.  Oh, before I do go – don’t forget to carefully scrutinise the Rules Page.   In particular you might like to get thinking about your MVP nominations.

Hello mortals.  Apologies for the lack of posts over the past few weeks.  I had an unfortuante accident a few weeks back, when somehow I got my wallet stuck in my helicopter.  Thankfully my team were on hand to tackle this potentially catastrophic of setbacks.  I had this special team photo commissioned to commemorate a job well done.  We managed to solve the issue by shooting all the money until it disintegrated.

Well done to Arjun the first Junior Apprentice.  Let’s face it he was the only good one from the get go.  In fact, so good as to make the competition a bit pointless and much less exciting.  I’m now looking forward to the new series of The ‘Normal’ Apprentice in which proper grownups will be bickering and squabbling even more childishly.

Junior Apprentice Final Team Scores:

I can also exclusively reveal that 2011 will see the first series of the ‘Senior Apprentice’.  I’ve got a great prize lined up which will see the winner receiving a substantial timeshare (4% to 7%) for a property in Corfu.  I’ll leave you with some taster episodes from the Senior Apprentice 2011 to whet your appetite.

• Episode One – Jigsaw Wars, The contestants get to know each other as the two teams race to complete their Jigsaw.
• Episode Two – Cue Queue, The contestants find themselves at the Post Office – the team to get their Snooker Cue posted first wins the round.
• Episode Three – Poppy Appeal, Teams choose their town centre location and then battle to sell the most commemorative Poppys.

Sexist Adam gets away with a poor performance as he lets Emma get away with murder as his team produce the most useless camping accessory know to the human race.  Or more suspiciously, perhaps Sexist Adam actually played agent provocateur on behalf of the boys and conspired to take two girls to the board room whilst he had the chance.  A rare glimpse into the murky underworld of the Junior Apprentice.

Team Leaders need to submit MVPs and Team Names to me ASAP before next week.  Please e-mail your choices: sugardaddy@houseoflords.gov.uk

Good Afternoon, Lord Sugar here, but you can call me Lord Sugar.  Welcome back to Fantasy Apprentice, this year we’ve got some young twerps in as it really saves on the minimum wage that you have to pay ‘em.  Don’t worry, they’ll be just as useless and annoying as the last lot we had in.  Apparently their mummies won’t let them do more than 6 weeks work so that’s how long the competition will have to be this year.
Look at the rules as they’ve been changed around a bit from last time.

To get some points on the board the first weeks scores have been added retrospectively:

<<< This week the Apprentices are seen doing what they do best: defying common-sense to such a level that you may be mistaken in thinking that Amstrad are using the program to debut their new line of robots made out of some PRETTY OLD stock.>>>

OK, in a confusing manipulation of the constitution this week the teams are all change.  This means there have been some dramatic changes in scores as Luke’s Lunkers leap ahead points wise.  Instead of trudging through some kind of explanation all will let the colour code for the graph do the talking.

Black  = You’ve been fired you idiot-hole

Yellow = You’re the MVP.

Blue = You’re just an average Joe player.

Grey = You’ve jumped ship, turncoat.

v.2 = You’re new to the team.